It's been a long time. For a very long time my relationship with God has not been where it needs to be. I've had moments of what it used to be like. I've had the moments of worship where I lose myself in Christ. I've had the moments of prayer where I'm taken away to another place. I've had moments where I'm lost in the love of my Savior, but it hasn't lasted over the past year. It was always just enough to remind me of what it's like. It was always just enough to spur me on. It was always just enough to make me continue to search for the face of my Savior and my place in His plan.

My relationship with God fell apart in Africa. I'm still not sure why. I was so angry with God at the time. Why then? Why did He allow that to happen when I needed Him so bad? Since then I've become resigned. Living in a state of confusion and distance from God seemed to be all I could manage.

Why did God allow it? I don't know. I honestly believe it made me a stronger person. Through it all, I learned that I'm stronger than I know (through Christ of course - nothing in me is good apart from Christ). I learned that God can still be there working in my life even when I don't feel Him. If anything, my faith in Christ is stronger than before.

I think I've finally come out of it. I've thought that before and I know I was wrong, but I really believe it this time. It's like everything has changed. It's not that life is perfect. No, not at all. Right now my heart aches and fear of the unknown looms before me. Through it all, though, a deep peace is flooding my heart. A quiet joy steals into the sorrow and leaves no room for sadness. Somehow I know it's going to be all right. It's not all going to be easy or turn out the way I want it to, but it's going to turn out God's way, which is better than any story I can write for myself.

It's so clear to me again that life isn't about me. I mean, sure, I walk around in this body and have to deal with the things that come my way. Sometimes it may feel like the world is ending, but ultimately it isn't about me. There's a bigger picture that I am playing a part in. It's up to me - am I going to do things my way and only make a small ripple or am I going to allow God to use me, no strings attached, and see how big of a wave He can make with my life?

Everything isn't easy, but everything is under God's control. It's not God's goal in life to make me happy - it is His goal to make me Holy. Refining Fire, fall on me.

At church we've been studying the book of James. This past Sunday we looked at the passage about controlling our tongues. Such a small part of our body, yet the sounds and words that come from our tongues can wound others deeply - it can change the course of our lives.

How often do we stop and think about the impact our words are making? A simple statement. Saying the first thing that crosses our minds without thinking of the consequences. We may not remember it the next day. It's possible that the other person will remember it to their dying day. It's possible that our words can make or break a person.

I am so guilty of letting things come from my mouth that are hurtful. I never intentionally want it to happen. I go through life wanting to cause as little pain as possible. I want everyone to be happy and to be taken care of. Yet, when I get caught up in the heat of an argument or when I am so focused on myself that nothing else even registers, I know I say things that hurt people. Often, it's hurting the people that are the closest to me.

"With our tongues we bless God our Father; with the same tongues we curse the very men and women he made in his image. Curses and blessings out of the same mouth! My friends, this can't go on. A spring doesn't gush fresh water one day and brackish the next, does it? Apple trees don't bear strawberries, do they? Raspberry bushes don't bear apples, do they? You're not going to dip into a polluted mud hole and get a cup of clear, cool water, are you?" (James 3:7-10b, 10-12, MSG)

"My friends, this can't go on." I like the way The Message phrases that. I don't want to condemn. But, friends, we need to wake up. We need to become aware of the impact that our words have.

I remember being twelve or thirteen years old. I was in a Wendy's. I still remember the restaurant. I was falling headlong into the obsession with male attention that still plagues me (but honestly, what woman doesn't deal with the craving for male attention?). There was a group of teenage boys sitting at some tables. They were part of a sports team, baseball, I think. I eyed them curiously as I ordered my food. I remember thinking they were cute. I remember feeling beautiful that day. As I walked by them with my food, going to join my family and friends at our tables, I heard the boys talking in hushed tones. "They're talking about me!" A thrill went through me. As I listened to their actual words, though, my heart sank. "Look at her, she's so fat!" One exclaimed and the rest of them snickered.

I remember that moment as if it were yesterday. To this day, I have a hard time believing that I'm even remotely attractive. I struggle with my weight. Every time I walk into a room, I fear that people are talking about me. When I hear someone laugh, my first thought is that they are laughing at me. I'm sure there are other factors that have contributed to my harmful thought patterns, but I'm certain that day had something to do with it.

Those words of those boys in that Wendy's profoundly impacted me. I don't know any of their names and they surely don't know mine. I can almost guarantee that none of them remember those comments they made about that overweight, awkward teenager. But I remember it. Ten years later I still remember it. I probably will remember it until the day I die. It's shaped my self perception. Simple, careless words. They shaped my life.

How are our words shaping those around us? We may think that someone doesn't notice the roll of the eyes, the whisper to our friends. Maybe they're not even around when we make the comments, when we declare judgement - they're too weird, they're too fat, I can't believe the clothes they wear! Is it worth it? What if those words get back to them? What if they overhear? It can deeply wound them. We are essentially placing a curse upon their lives. We are telling them that they don't measure up to our standards of perfection. They are not good enough. What if they believe us?

Cursing is the opposite of love - it is the opposite of blessing. I want to guard my tongue. I want to only allow blessings out of my life. Be blessed my friend - may the love of God overwhelm your heart today.

These people that we disdain, these people that we make derogatory statements about... They are made in the image of God. We are essentially telling God He isn't good enough.

Psalm 64

1Hear my voice, O God, in my complaint;
preserve my life from the dread enemy.
2Hide me from the secret plots of the wicked,
from the scheming of evildoers,
3who whet their tongues like swords,
who aim bitter words like arrows,
4shooting from ambush at the blameless;
they shoot suddenly and without fear.
5They hold fast to their evil purpose;
they talk of laying snares secretly,
thinking, ‘Who can see us?
6 Who can search out our crimes?
We have thought out a cunningly conceived plot.’
For the human heart and mind are deep.

7But God will shoot his arrow at them;
they will be wounded suddenly.
8Because of their tongue he will bring them to ruin;
all who see them will shake with horror.
9Then everyone will fear;
they will tell what God has brought about,
and ponder what he has done.

10Let the righteous rejoice in the Lord
and take refuge in him.
Let all the upright in heart glory.

Let me tell you... I read that this afternoon and found it some pretty sobering stuff. "Because of their tongue He will bring them to ruin." Not because of their adulterous acts, not because of their murdering, not because of any other sin. He will bring them to ruin because of their tongue. I immediately thought of James 3. I thought of the wildfire that we can spark in someone's lives by our thoughtless remarks. They can bring others to ruin. They can bring us to ruin.

"My friends, this can't go on."

"It only takes a spark, remember, to set off a forest fire. A careless or wrongly placed word out of your mouth can do that. By our speech we can ruin the world, turn harmony to chaos, throw mud on a reputation, send the whole world up in smoke and go up in smoke with it, smoke right from the pit of hell." (James 3:5-6 MSG)

I'm getting really tired of being mediocre. I'm tired of settling for the status quo. I'm the one to blame. I'm the one who isn't running after God full force. I'm the one that's being distracted and lazy. I'm the one who is letting my fear rule my life.

I want to take this world by storm. I want wherever I am to be electric. I want the presence of God to be insane around me - whether I'm in Kenya or South Florida.

Mediocre. This is not where we are meant to live. Mediocre. It's a prison. Mediocre. We're missing out.

I want to break free.

I still wonder what to do. Over half a year later, and I still don't have it figured out. I think of children - their smiles lighting up my heart, chasing away the sadness and the selfishness. I think of woman laughing and at time crying out with anguish to their God. I think of a hopeless woman telling us her story and telling us she would have committed suicide by now if it was not for her young son. I think of woman dying of AIDS. I think of children dying of AIDS. I think of many widows who have watched their husbands die of AIDS now watching their children die of AIDS. Maybe for you, this makes you sad, but you don't know these people. You will go on with your day and perhaps even forget you read this. This isn't an abstract situation for me. These people have faces, they have voices, they have names. It is my adopted family who are struggling to recover from a terrible drought. It is my church family and my group of orphans who lost some of their number because of lack of food. Lack of food! They have things like AIDS and malaria to deal with, but that's not what killed them - lack of food. Something so preventable. Something we could have changed.

What is my responsibility? That is where my wondering what to do comes in. Someone told me yesterday that I can't fix Africa. I want to! I don't want another child to go hungry. I don't want another person infected with AIDS. I don't want another refugee to be stuck inside a refugee camp with no hope of a future in the next ten years. I want to make a difference. At the very least I want to bring hope. I want to send money, but that doesn't feel like I'm doing enough. I want to go over there, but who knows when that will work out with needing time off of my newly acquired job (not to mention saving up the required money). What will I do once I get there? How can I make a difference? What is my responsibility?

This never-ending question, this never-ending ache for the people of Kenya makes every situation that comes along in my life that much harder. As if I needed any situation in my life to be any harder. I feel overwhelmed by fear. Not a single thing in my future looks bright and beautiful - only scary and impossible. I feel like my life is lacking purpose. I float from one thing to next looking for meaning and when my search ends up fruitless, I feel despair. No one really understands. No one ever really has. I think I'm destined to go through life never truly understood. Sometimes it really bothers me. Sometimes it doesn't. I'm not sure where I fall along the spectrum right now.