It always amazes me - when I really, truly bring my worries and anxieties before Jesus, I find peace. True and deep peace. Yet so often, into His arms is the last place I run. What a truly foolish person I can be sometimes.

Father, teach me to run to You and to cast my cares upon You before turning to anyone else. Forgive me when I fail. Amen.

Now I shall sleep with a smile on my face and peace in my heart.

Today I found myself making a dessert I have made many times, starting in high school. It's a delicious recipe for Sour Cream Apple Bars. The first couple times I made the recipe, I did the math wrong and doubled the butter. Once my mistake was discovered, everyone decided they liked it that way better. So I guess it's kind of my recipe now. I was mindlessly going through the motions of mixing the batter together. Things started to get interesting when I started cutting the apples.

The recipe called for "finely chopped" apples. So I started cutting the apples in a way that I was quite familiar with - slice the apple long ways, turn them on their side and slice them long ways three or four more times, then chop them down the length. This leaves you with teeny-tiny little apple pieces. I cut up half an apple before I realized what I was doing. I was following the silly little diagram from camp.

See, I worked in a camp kitchen for two years. We had this amazing recipe for tuna salad that called for finely chopped apples and celery. The head cook had drawn out diagrams of how she wanted them chopped. It took forever. It was quite the day we decided to do things our way and use the food processor. We got a very pointed look and a good talking to when we were discovered! Remembering this made me smile. We were always trying to get away with things and push the limits that year. Brown sugar, anyone?

I then remembered cutting up forty apples or so for lunch at camp that same year. I actually enjoyed the challenge of forty green apples bobbing along in a sink and a limited amount of time to get them all cut into eighths (and peanut butter scooped into souffle cups). It made me think of the time that Aaron was cutting apples with me and somehow the knife slipped and, whoo, there was a lot of blood! It seriously squirted over five feet, probably closer to ten. I have never seen blood squirt that far. I found the whole thing rather hilarious, other than the fact that Aaron was hurt. Thankfully, his finger recovered and there really wasn't any blood on the apples.

My thoughts turned to the apple orchard where we bought the apples. We've been going there since I was in high school. I remembered all the amazing caramel apples we've eaten from there and how much I love going to the orchard. I thought of the Highland Festival we went to one year and all the cool displays and shops that were set up for that weekend.

A memory of standing in the SEND House kitchen came to me. I was standing in front of the built in trash can, eating apple peels. I don't really remember who was with me, but I'm guessing Amanda was there, because I highly doubt I would have started eating apple peels on my own volition. However, now I eat the peels sometimes when I peel an apple. It's quite tasty.

I thought of Kenya (it always seems to come back to Kenya anymore). I remembered how amazing the apples tasted when I splurged those two times and bought them. Mmmm. Ah, crisp, amazing flavor. They were small, but they were so delicious. They reminded me of home and of my favorite time of year.

So many memories, over so many years - all brought to mind by cutting up an apple.

September first... already? When did that happen? Time is moving a long so quickly - I almost don't even notice its passing. As I drove home yesterday, I admired the trees. I could tell autumn was on the way. A few trees were still brilliantly green, but there was the occasional tree or leaf that had a tell-tale orange or red hue. More subtle, but even more telling to me, was the overall color of green on the majority of the trees. It was starting to lose its crispness. It no longer was a green so brilliant that it took your breath away. Instead, it was starting to grow dull and move toward a darker, less vibrant green. Soon they shall all grow to be red or yellow or brown. The process fascinates me. Oh how I love everything about autumn. I've already gotten my first batch of apples from the orchard. This next month will be full of fresh apples and the occasional trip to the orchard to secure a caramel apple. I love the way the air feels and smells this time of year. It's bound to make me shiver more than usual with my body thermometer being so off, but still I look forward to it. Ah, to be able to be all wrapped up in scarves and sweaters and coats and walk down the street and take in the beauty of the earth - God's creation.

This past weekend can best be described by the title of this entry: a whirlwind. Saturday morning approached much too quickly after my returning home from all my summer traveling only a few days earlier. I forced myself out of bed and left shortly after 7:30 am. Many hours of driving later, I met a friend from my first year at RBC for coffee at 2:00. Around 4:00 I attended Jason & Lydia Yoder's wedding. It was a beautiful wedding. I am so happy for them both! Around 7:00 I headed down toward Columbus where I spent the evening at a friend's house. The next morning I was up bright and early to babysit for my friends while they went to worship practice. I gave a ten minute presentation about Kenya that morning (ten minutes is simply much too short. I felt like I couldn't even scratch the surface of my time there). The message that morning was about mercy - how God shows us mercy and how we are called to extend that same mercy to those around us. It was a good message and something that I need to apply to many relationships in my life right now. After church my old small group was going out to lunch at a pizzeria and they invited me along. I enjoyed hanging out with them all and getting to spend some time with them. I miss them! Around 2:00 I headed toward Indy. I had a good conversation with Jody along the way and that was challenging and encouraging. That evening Beka & Thomas and I went out to dinner (Applebee's - yum!) and we walked around downtown Indy to try and work off the food that was sitting in our stomachs. This morning I drove down to home and here I sit. I've spent some time praying today. I've also spent some time meditating on Scripture (not as much as I should). I've worked on going through some of my stuff that is dumped in this room. There is so much to go through. There is so much to figure out what to do with. I suppose I should get a box and box some more of it up.

It's looking like the next several years of my life are going to continue to be a transition stage. I wish I was moving into an apartment or house for a long period of time and could unpack all the things I have sitting in boxes. Instead, I'm going to be spending a year somewhere (probably FL) and then off to school for two more years. Before all that begins next month, I need to finish going through the stuff I have here in this room. I then need to go through all my boxes in my storage unit and consolidate and label things that I will need in the coming years and put the rest (kitchen supplies, linens, etc.) into long-term storage. It seems like a big job. It never quite ends. That and random jobs around the house here will keep me fairly busy for the next month I have a feeling. Come the end of September, I will have decided for sure whether I will reside in IN or FL and I will be looking for a full-time job for the year. Please be praying for me over the next month as I make decisions.

I really want to be where God is leading me. Some people hold to the belief that there is one specific thing that God has for me. Other people believe that there are a host of good choices that God is letting me choose from. I'm not sure which I think. I kind of hope it's the latter. It would take a lot of the pressure off. As long as I'm continuing to seek His face and choosing options that are in keeping with being a faithful follower of Christ, then I can't go wrong.

I've started thinking again recently how maybe I'm taking life just a tad bit too seriously. I came to this conclusion in Africa, but in the hustle and bustle of American life, it's crept back into my mindset. Yes, this is life. Yes, it is important. Yes, I want to do my best to follow Christ and do the work He has called me to. However, if I make a mistake it is not the end of the world. If someone laughs at me or thinks I'm a little ridiculous, my world is not going to crash in on me. I feel this constant pressure on me to be performing and to be perfect. I can't be perfect. I'm going to try to do the best that I can for Christ, but perfection is beyond my grasp. And honestly, when I'm aiming to be perfect here on earth, it's not Christ I have in mind - I want to please others. So I need to let that go.

Also, when I really stop and think about all that I need to do and accomplish, I realize it's kind of silly. Yes, I need to be responsible. I need to be able to provide for myself and be an adult and take care of myself and housework. But I get so uptight thinking about this and that and all I need to do. All of a sudden, I'm just adding things to do simply to stay busy. I need to re-learn how to simply exist sometimes. I need to find the beauty and the joy in the moment and the journey - not the future and end goal. What I have accomplished in worldly standards is not going to matter come the end of this life. What I have accomplished for Christ is going to matter. And Christ doesn't necessarily have a long list of tasks that He wants me to accomplish before this year is out. I think He has a long list of people that I should invest in and cherish and a long list of tests and calls to obedience. That's different, though, and that's good. I want to keep my eyes open for those and not get distracted by my worldly to do list.

We go round and round
Back and forth and almost upside down
To buy who we are -
A great big house, nice jeans, and a shiny car
But I'm learning that this world keeps turning
with or without me
So I'll do my best and leave the rest
to the one watching over me

Because I'm Alright
Trouble may find me
but it's not gonna keep me down
'Cause I'll hold on tight
To the Father who loves me
and likes having me around
'Cause He loves me, and He cares for me,
And so I'll be alright

- I'm Alright by FFH

Link: http://beanblossomcreations.com/britt/blog2.php

My new blog, Walking by Faith, is up and running. It's my goal to update daily, although they usually will probably not be as long as this evening's entry. Check it out, and please feel free to leave comments.