Jesus, be the center
Be my source, be my light, Jesus
Jesus, be the center
Be my hope, Be my song, Jesus

Be the fire in my heart
Be the wind in my sails
Be the reason that I live
Jesus, Jesus

Jesus, be my vision
Be my path, Be my guide, Jesus

This song has been on my heart a lot recently. A prayer I have been praying recently has been: "Jesus, I want YOU to be the reason that I live." When I sat down and looked at the lyrics to this song (I was only thinking of the first verse), I found it so interesting that the song and the prayer coincide.

I really do want Jesus to be the reason that I live. Too often, that's not the way I live. He's not the one that brings me joy. He's not the one that I get out of bed for. I don't want it to be that way. I desperately desire and long to have Jesus be the one that puts a smile on my face and gives me a reason to live. I don't want to live for my family, for my job, or a boyfriend (or even a husband). I want to live because Jesus created me and redeemed me and loves me beyond words.

Dear Lord, please become more a part of my day, each day. Please become so all-consuming that You are all I can see. Please teach me to find my joy and purpose in You. Be my everything. Change me. In Jesus' name - Amen.

God in my living
There in my breathing
God in my waking
God in my sleeping

God in my resting
There in my working
God in my thinking
God in my speaking

Be my everything
Be my everything
Be my everything
Be my everything

God in my hoping
There in my dreaming
God in my watching
God in my waiting

God in my laughing
There in my weeping
God in my hurting
God in my healing

Christ in me
Christ in me
Christ in me the hope of glory
You are everything

Christ in me
Christ in me
Christ in me the hope of glory
Be my everything

In theory, trusting God should be so easy. I mean, think about it. God is the creator of the universe. He is sovereign - His will is going to ultimately be accomplished. He will work everything out for the ultimate good for those who love Him and are called according to His purposes. He loves us and has a plan for us that will further His Kingdom and bring Him glory. He calls us to cast our cares on Him and not to worry. It sounds like a pretty good deal. I mean, why should I worry about relationship stuff or where I'm going to live or what job I'm going to have? God's in control and He's gonna make things happen in His timing. And ultimately, this life is about Him and His glory - not me and my happiness.

End of story. So I trust, God works it out. I go where He takes me, and know that in the end, everything is gonna work out just fine. My job is to be faithful (to follow His commandments and where He is leading me) and to love others (with the same love that Christ has lavished upon me). Sounds simple. Am I just making it all more complicated than it needs to be? I think maybe I am. I think maybe I'm just afraid of looking foolish if I trust God with abandon. I mean, what would other people think if I wasn't worried about all that stuff? They'd think I was lazy and a fool. So maybe it's time I learn how to be a fool for Jesus. Maybe it is just that easy.

I ate chicken and mashed potatoes for dinner. I looked at a safari exhibit in Cabela's. I watched a video that Justin made about REACH. I looked at my desktop wallpaper (a picture of me and my favorite little girl in Kenya, Fibi). All of this combined makes me miss Africa so strongly. My heart aches for Kenya. I wish I could go visit and greet all the people that I miss. I never believed anyone when they told me I would miss it. I guess they were right.

On the news this morning I heard a story about a plane crash in Nairobi that killed the pilot and injured two passengers - Americans. It made me a little angry. While I was living in northern Kenya, there was a fatal bus accident that killed and injured many Kenyans and refugees. That didn't make the news. Why does the media care more about Americans? We make a huge deal about someone dying (or being hurt) simply because they are American. What about the hundreds (if not thousands) of people who are dying because of groups like the LRA or because of tribal warfare? Granted, the situation in Uganda with the LRA has gained media attention, but only because thousands of Americans worked to bring it to the forefront. It seems so unfair. Why do we get treated differently - why do we act like we are more important - simply because we are American?

I feel like I should be writing something, but I'm not quite sure what. So, I simply will write. We're almost a week into our family vacation. It's been a lot of fun, and a bit stressful at times. I've seen a lot of the country side. I can't quite comprehend just how much the landscape can vary within just a few hundred miles! I'm also amazed at the vast creativity I see in nature around me. It inspires me and makes me more in awe of God.

Things with God have been going really well. I've been praying more. Conference really gave me the encouragement that I needed. It was wonderful to be able to worship God and not have to worry about being a part of the worship team. The messages were applicable and challenging. I have also been having some good conversations with a friend and that is encouraging me to continue to press into God.

I desperately need alone time. Even as I sit here and type this, Josh and Aaron are bickering back and forth and then Joshua erupts into a nonsensical song. The introverted side of me is starting to make the whole of me feel very shriveled up and frustrated. It's bad news because I start to get much more short-tempered. Yet, if I try to withdraw and recharge, my family gets frustrated and insists on trying to break into my bubble I'm trying to build - which only makes me more irritated. If I try to go have alone time in the lobby or fitness room, mom either sends someone down after me because she's worried about me or tells me how worried she's been while I've been gone when I get back. To tell the truth, I'm feeling a tad bit smothered. I did live on my own for nine months after all - I didn't die then, I don't know why I'd die in the lobby of the hotel. That's beyond the point, though.

All this said, I still want to make it clear that I love my family and am enjoying getting to spend time with them. I don't know if we'll ever take a vacation together as a family like this again. And you never know what's right around the bend - how much more time I will be blessed to have with them. So, I'm trying to shove down the feelings of frustration and irritation - at least for another week. Then I can get a little bit of space.

Something I was thinking about this afternoon was forgiveness. As I am continuing to ensure that I have an attitude of forgiveness toward people who hurt me in Africa (as well as toward people who have hurt me over the years), I wonder just exactly what forgiveness is. During my most recent conversations about it, I was told that forgiveness is a choice. It's not necessarily a feeling, but a decision to not hold that person accountable any longer. It must be extended even when the warm fuzzies are not there. Ok, that's all good and well, and probably true. But as I continue to live this out, I wonder what exactly to continue to do with feelings of betrayal and the pain that people have caused me. Is it really as "easy" as saying, "I'm just not going to worry about it anymore - they're in God's hands."? Or is that avoiding the issue? I guess what I'm wondering is how to ensure that I am healing and experiencing true forgiveness in my heart and not simply an intellectual forgiveness while all the while wounds and bitterness are festering in my heart. I feel like my main problem is that while I'm saying over and over "I forgive so and so," there are wounds and struggles inside me that I am not addressing. I feel like if I try to address those wounds and how much it hurt, then I'm rescinding my forgiveness and back at square one. Maybe that's not the truth, though. At any rate - that's something that's been on my mind a bit recently (along with countless other things).