Well, I've been back in the states for well over a month now. A lot has happened in that time, and a lot will continue to happen for the rest of the summer. I'm back in Indiana. I never thought I'd be heading home from FL and be bummed about coming back to IN, but I am! It's nice to see that I've moved beyond my teenage hatred of Florida. I'm still seriously considering Florida as an option for next fall. I still don't have all the information needed to make a decision, though. I need to wait until the end of August to see if a job lines up or not. So, at the moment I'm at a place where I don't have much of an option other than to wait.

While I was in FL, I accomplished quite a bit. I wrote an article for the Indiana Home Educators Association's monthly magazine. It was about my trip to Africa. It didn't turn out exactly the way I envisioned it, but I think it has a good point and will hopefully encourage people and push them to think about the world beyond their safe, mid-western communities. I think the magazine is actually going to be an e-zine the month my article is run, so if it is, I'll be sure to post a link up here. If not, I'll post the text on my other blog.

I also redesigned the website for Tall Oaks, a 55+ community in Naples, FL. I had made the original design, but hated it. It was simple and elementary, but that's what the boss wanted. This time, however, I took a bit more creative license with it and I'm happy with the results. http://talloaksofnaples.com

As I'm looking forward into the next few months, things will continue to be busy and will continue to be full of unknowns. Truth be told, I'm getting rather tired of unknowns, but I'm trying to take them in stride and enjoy them. There definitely is stuff to be enjoyed in unknowns. I have quite a bit of responsibility in the next few weeks - counseling at choral camp, leading campfire worship, leading worship for the counselors on the weekend, learning the music for and singing in the CMC Conference choir. It's a lot of pressure. The past few weeks have been a lot of pressure with writing the article, redesigning the website, and various other things. The question that always haunts me is this: What if I'm not good enough? Sometimes it can come in the form of: What if I fail? The bottom line, though, is always, what if I don't quite measure up? In times like these it's always glaringly obvious to be that there is someone who is either better with their words or can keep rhythm better or is more spiritual than me. I feel like an impostor. I question: Do people really know what I'm like, or are they fooling themselves? If they really know what I'm like with all my weaknesses, why did they choose me? I don't know. Maybe I'm the one who is fooling themselves. Maybe there is more to me than I can see. I don't know how I'll figure it out. I guess my only option at this point, is to shove those nagging fears to the back of my mind and put on a mask of confidence, because at this point, I don't know what other options I have.

The world feels like a dismal shade of gray today. I'm not sure why. I've received some news that I've been wishing for for months and months - finally it came and I'm glad, I really am. It just makes me look at my past and my current situation and my future and it makes me feel a little less than hopeful.

I still am struggling with purpose. I feel worn out and it depresses me to realize I'm not even doing that much in my days, so why am I exhausted and wanting to sleep so much? I miss seeing people. I long to go to a good church. I long to connect with God and people who understand me.

Blast. I want to live life boldly and I want to live life happily. I feel the high from being home slowly but steadily wearing off. Normal feelings are settling in again. I struggle with meaning and with purpose. I wonder what my life is going to be like this year when I move somewhere. I try to keep a brave face on and smile and talk about how excited I am about moving out on my own this fall and forging my life in a new place with new normals and new friends and everything.

See, I've moved out before, but I wasn't on my own. I had someone that I was seriously dating and we were together all the time. I was barely ever alone except when I was sleeping. After we broke up I was in recovery mode and stayed as busy as I could and barely made it through a few months. Once I realized that I was okay and that life was indeed continuing, I had made the decision to go on REACH, was in the middle of preparations for chorale tour, finishing up things at work, moving and then headed straight to camp. Camp kept me busy out of my mind all summer and then I headed straight to REACH, which also kept me busy. DTS was so good and changed me so much and gave me so much hope for the future and really fueled my fire to follow after God.

I then headed off to Africa with my team for six months. It was good. It was horrible. It was painful. It was amazing. I miss it. I regret that I spent so much of my time there longing to be home. I regret that it took me so long to adjust. I am glad that I finally did adjust to the culture, but I wish it hadn't taken me three months. I was never alone. There were always five other people within shouting distance who were there to listen to me and keep me accountable (even when I didn't want them to be there). I love those people. I miss those people. I don't think I've even allowed myself to think about how much I miss those people and miss those conversations and the fellowship until just this moment. I feel so sad. So lonely. So alone.

I miss Fibi. I miss her precious, little smile and holding her hand and the bond that we had even though we couldn't understand a word the other said. I miss my friend Gilbert. I miss his funny mannerisms and his smile and his sweltering hot hut in the middle of the Congolese part of the refugee camp. I miss Cecilia and her funny expressions. I miss talking with her about life in Kenya versus life in America. I miss her exclamations and laughter and I miss being goofy with her. I miss Sunday and his obsession with animated movies. I miss him urging us on (climbing up a mountain) by talking about the dragon scroll (from Kung Fu Panda). I miss wanting to punch his face in as I'm clinging to a mountain side and he keeps going on about there being no secret ingredient - believe in yourself (another Kung Fu Panda reference)! Well, at that moment I wanted to punch his face in. Once I made it to the top of the mountain and saw the view and how far I'd come, I wanted to give him a big hug. It was one of those things I never would have attempted on my own if it wasn't for his (and my team's) encouragement. I accomplished something I didn't even think I was capable of doing. It was beautiful. It was freeing.

I have a feeling that I'm at the bottom of a new mountain now and I'm wondering how in the world I'm ever going to claw my way to the top. It looks so far away and the journey is perilous. One misstep could send me to my death. I forget that I'm not in this alone. I am surrounded by friends and family who have my back. I do need to make decisions, though, and I do need to continue to move forward.

I've realized over the past few months that I've let myself grind to a halt in my life. I've been afraid to commit to things long term, because what if I make the wrong choice? What if I move to the wrong place? What if I choose the wrong person to get close to? What if I choose the wrong college? What if I choose the wrong program of study? It's been so much easier to pursue short-term commitments and to avoid making any decision that will nail down my future. I'm afraid of commitment. I never saw this coming, I would have laughed in anyone's face who told me this. I've always viewed myself as a very committed person who is a hard worker and can overcome anything anyone puts in front of me.

I've realized that I'm afraid, though. What happens if someone puts something in front of me that I can't overcome? What if I make a bad decision? So it's been easier to float along, never committing to anything. Now that I realize this, I'm determined to change it. I cannot, I will not, float through life never committing to anyone or anything.

I may commit to relationships that will leave scars. I may be abandoned or laughed at. I also may be unconditionally accepted and my life may be filled with joy and love. I may make the decision to go to college and something may not work out. I might run out of money or the classes might be too hard or I might find that I hate a career that I studied for four years to get into. Or I might find that I can overcome all the obstacles and thoroughly enjoy my career of choice. I'll never know if I don't try. And if I try I need to commit and move forward. *takes a deep breath* I can do this. I will. The decision doesn't need to be made this evening (thank goodness), but I will continue to move forward. I will be giving up far too much simply to avoid risk. There are risks that I must take.

I don't know how it's all going to work out. I'm still afraid of being alone. Today I just had a wave of emotion overcoming me that told me that I'm going to be alone forever. Maybe I will be, but I'll never know unless I put myself out there and open myself up to the risk of being rejected. How can I be accepted if I don't also have the opportunity to be rejected? If I am destined to be alone in this life, I refuse to take it sitting down. I am going to enjoy this life and I am going to make something out of myself - whether with someone or by myself.

The comforting thing in all this is the assurance that I am not alone. I don't honestly know where God is right now or where we stand, but I do know that I'm not alone. He is there and He is watching over me and He loves me. Somehow it's all going to work out and He has a plan for my life that is better than any crazy romantic storyline I could think up for my own life.

That's a lot to think about. It's been good to get it all out. Writing it out makes my thoughts more concrete. It helps me to deal with things - to acknowledge them and figure out a way that I'm going to overcome them. Because I will overcome this.

Our Victory in Christ (Romans 8)
26 In the same way the Spirit also helps our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we should, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words;

27 and He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He intercedes for the saints according to the will of God.

28 And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.

29 For those whom He foreknew, He also predestined to become conformed to the image of His Son, so that He would be the firstborn among many brethren;

30 and these whom He predestined, He also called; and these whom He called, He also justified; and these whom He justified, He also glorified.

31 What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who is against us?

32 He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him over for us all, how will He not also with Him freely give us all things?

33 Who will bring a charge against God's elect? God is the one who justifies;

34 who is the one who condemns? Christ Jesus is He who died, yes, rather who was raised, who is at the right hand of God, who also intercedes for us.

35 Who will separate us from the love of Christ? Will tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?

36 Just as it is written,
"FOR YOUR SAKE WE ARE BEING PUT TO DEATH ALL DAY LONG;
WE WERE CONSIDERED AS SHEEP TO BE SLAUGHTERED."

37 But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us.

38 For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers,

39 nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

amen.

As I go throughout my day, I always think of brilliant things to write about. I have these random (semi-brilliant) thoughts floating through my head, but recently it seems that whenever I sit down at a keyboard they all evaporate (hence the title of this blog). No worries, though. This blog may not end up being as profound as I would like it to be, but my stream of consciousness writing usually turns something up.

I've been seriously thinking about moving to Florida (I don't know if I've mentioned this on my blog or not yet). The weather is great - very much what I'm used to (hot) and if I had my own place I could avoid freezing (keep the air conditioner set warmer than it is my parents' house). If I move down here I will seriously look into buying a house (foreclosure) and hoping that in the next 5-10 years the economy returns to robust and then I can make quite a profit selling a fixed-up house. I like the area down here. I would be close to numerous family members at least six months out of the year, and out of all the churches down here, there has to be one that I can relate with (... maybe). It's not very hard for me to leave Indiana behind. Other than a few friendships I have there (both who live nowhere near where my family resides), there's not much holding me back (well, the family, but they spend half the year in Florida). Ohio is a bit harder to leave behind. I love the area there (but I also love down here). I have a lot of good friends in the Ohio area and I will be sad to leave them. I also have an amazing church with good worship, accountability and practical messages. It will be hard to leave Agape (the church). I was considering moving to downtown Columbus for school, but I really think I'm going to do the online school route when I return to college, so I would not need to live in downtown Columbus anymore. I could live near Agape (which I thought I was going to have to give up before). So, in actuality, my two big options are northwest of Columbus, OH and Florida. I love both the areas, have friends and a church in one, family in the other. That's what it comes down to - choosing between a church and my family. It's such a hard decision. It's an impossible decision. How am I ever supposed to decide!? If a job opens up in Florida, I'll move down here, but it's not looking overly likely. I'll give it a few more weeks, but I really should start making up my mind soon one would think.

I've decided to just put the whole college thing on hold. I thought that maybe I could swing it this fall, but I should definitely wait until Fall 2010 when I will get financial aid based off of my income (vs my parents'). So that is what I will do. That takes a lot of pressure off which is nice. In the mean time, I can continue to investigate different online schools (and just make myself clear that I am not wanting to be pressured by these pushy enrollment service people!). As I've immersed myself in web design the past couple days, I've been reminded of just how much I love it.

I've been redesigning a website for a 55 and older community down here in Florida. It's been great fun. The original design was disgusting - I cringed every time I looked at it, but it was exactly what my client wanted - extremely basic with large font. I was embarrassed to have my name on it. However, this new design I am quite proud of. I am actually in love with it I think! Now I'm down to the tricky work of figuring out how to word some of the text and lay out a couple pages. It feels a little overwhelming, but like most things, it will come with time.

God and me are still just there. I lay in bed each night before I fall asleep and try to talk to him. Then I fall asleep. Throughout my day I'm doing my own thing. I never open my Bible. What to do? What to say? Where to read? I need community so bad right now. I know it and I'm also powerless to do anything about it (considering my schedule is packed and it consists of a ton of traveling). I want to be a good follower of Christ. I'm fed up with the church at large. I want to see change. I want to be and be around people who are serious about following Christ. I want to make a difference. How? I need answers.

This hasn't been very well put together at all - forgive me. It goes against my desire to have more polished writing on here, but the past couple entries have served more as an outlet for frustration than for thought-provoking literary pieces or well-written stories of my life. Maybe next time.

Until then... Go watch The Office.

I've been working on websites a lot recently. I really enjoy the work so much and want to learn more. So I applied for some information from different online schools that offer a bachelors degree in web design. They're all so expensive! I spent over 2 hours talking to various enrollment reps that called me today (ah, no more, no more!). I'm really interested in a couple, but I'm feeling so overwhelmed and I feel like they're really pushing me to go this fall and to make a decision right now (which is their job, I suppose...). I don't want to feel pressured and I can't make a decision right now and I have to fill out a FAFSA and I still need my dad's info for that so I can't do that right now. So I replied to one of the admissions counselors and told them that and they said they closed my file. That was disappointing. I don't like how final that sounds. Couldn't we just put it on hold for a little while!? I don't know. I feel frustrated by the whole thing I've gone through all day. That's all.

Until then... Go eat some dark chocolate... *wistful sigh*

There seems to be a lot of rainy days this spring (judging from what I've observed and what I've been told). I love the rain, but I hate the thunder. I was hoping that everything that I went through in Africa would make me a little less fearful of the things here that send my adrenaline spiking. There definitely isn't any improvement in the storm category. I still find myself freaking out and needing to remember to take deep breathes and wanting to dash to the basement at the slightest hint of wind during a storm. I am sleeping through storms more, which is nice - because storms are always worse in the middle of the night when you're alone. I tell myself over and over again that God protected me from all the dangers of the desert - heat stroke, poisonous scorpions, poisonous snakes, poisonous spiders, random creepy men (and the list goes on)... So, therefore, it would seem to logically follow that God would be able to protect me from a measly little storm, eh? While my logic can follow those lines, my mind always seems to kick into this other realm and there's no way to reason with my emotions, even though the sane thoughts are still there in the background trying to break through the panic.

Good news: I am a little less hyper about spiders than I used to be. I was working in the garden yesterday and I allowed numerous spiders to run by me without flinching or feeling the need to end their lives (my mom probably would have been unhappy if she had known I had let them live - they might find her!). Only one spider has freaked me out (it was a rather large spider in my storage unit - I thought it was a cricket at first by the way it jumped, but then I realized it was much too large to be a cricket and so I looked a little closer *shudder*). So, there are some areas where being in Africa has had a good effect on me.

I also find that I'm a lot more confident. If you had told me even at the end of my trip to Africa that I would come out of the trip being more confident in myself, I would have laughed in your face. In Africa, I felt anything but confident. I felt bruised and unsure of myself and inadequate most of the time. I did make it though, and now that I'm back here, I'm finding that living in America isn't quite as drastically impossible as I once thought. Of course, relationships still aren't easy and there are still challenges and fears of the unknown future, but as far as relating to people on a day to day basis, I find that I'm much more confident in my looks, my personality and the fact that I have something to offer. It's a really nice place to be in. I have noticed it slipping the past few days, but I'm trying to hold onto it. It seems like Satan would love to see me slip back into feelings of inadequacy and fear of social situations - that would hold me back from making relationships with people and from making a difference for the kingdom. I realize his schemes, though, so he's out of luck.

I'm spiritually still feeling like I'm at an impasse. Deep down know I want God and I know there's a fire burning deep in my heart to serve Him and to further His kingdom. On the surface, though, I want nothing to do with God. I don't have the energy to seek His face, to open a Bible or to really talk about spiritual matters with people. I'm still angry with God for the way that He withdrew the emotional feelings of His presence from me when I needed it so much in the middle of the desert. I still feel an intellectually irreconcilable break between my perception of the God of the Old Covenant and the God of the New Covenant. I see how all along He was moving history toward Jesus and His redemption, but the means he used in the Old Testament seem so contrary to the character of God that I thought I knew. I'm sure it has to be my limited understanding or something like that - I mean, who can know the ways (or mind) of God? It's not just something that I can reason away that easily, though. I have too much of an intellectual mind to just answer my questions that way. That was another one of my great frustrations with the church that surfaced while I was in Africa - why do we answer such tough questions with pat answers and useless cliches. While they may be true, people need to hear the truth along with sympathy and practical direction for their life. We need Christians who are willing to get dirty and walk alongside hurting people. In Africa, I felt like the message being spread was that the Christian life should only be joy and smiles and if you're not happy through it all, then there's something wrong with you. I don't know if that's what was really being spread, or if that's just my perception of it because of the point that I was at. Regardless, I'm at a point where I need my faith and my fellow's Christians' faith to be practical and applicable to the world we live in, not just in a spiritual realm. I think our hurting world needs this kind of faith - the coming of the Kingdom - more than ever. What does that look like in my day to day life? And how can I get there when I can't even make myself open by Bible?

I'll keep pressing on and keep writing.
Until then... Go out of your way to show someone going through a hard time the practical and real love of God.