Life is going well again. I no longer feel any over-arching animosity toward God. I've worked through a lot of my fears and doubts and anger from the past. It was one of those times where you know how you should feel and what you should think, but your emotions just don't line up with what you know. I'm so glad that God is big enough to handle my anger and doubt.

Despite leaving that behind (for now), I still don't feel that closeness that I long for. I don't feel like God is my best friend and I don't feel like I must spend time with Him or my world is going to come to an end. I have had times like that before in my life, and I miss them. I miss being able to feel the presence of God throughout my day and I miss feeling the emotional part of love for Him. I know that this is for a reason, and it's very possibly for the reason of maturing my faith. I want to be at a point where I can have these dry seasons of life and still cling to God - still spend time with Him and be joyful. I'm not there yet.

I honestly don't even know how to get there. I guess I'll keep plugging along. I'll keep praying and keep searching and trusting that God is guiding me even when I don't feel Him. He has a way of doing that.

Change of topic... I have been thinking a lot the past couple days about what I want my life to look like. Do I want to be a missionary is some far-off country? Do I want to live in America and have the big house and easy life? Do I want to be a web designer? A teacher? A waitress? I honestly have no idea. There is that one part of me that of course longs for the easy life and for all the money and possessions that I could lay my hands on. Then there's the larger part of me that cringes at the idea. I don't want to chase after the American Dream. Really, I don't. I honestly think I'd rather live in a small house with close friends and family around and with a loving immediate family. I'd rather give the extra that I have to help people who need help - whether that be in Africa or my own neighborhood. Money and possessions will not bring fulfillment. Chasing after money and possessions will only leave me in debt and frustrated. Giving away money and possessions leaves me feeling light at heart and good knowing that I helped another in a time of need.

I don't know what I want to do for a profession. Ideally, I'd love to have a job where I can stay home with my future children. I'm not sure what would readily lend itself to that. More and more in our culture, I see families where both parents simply have to work full-time to be able to pay the bills. I wonder, is that the way it has to be regardless? Has the cost of living risen so much that nowadays it's nearly impossible to have a family where a mother stays home (unless the father has a job as a brain surgeon or something like that)? Or is it possible if a family lives within their means, even if that means giving up some of the conveniences that people around them may have? I don't know. I don't know if I'm even going to be able to figure this out until I'm in the middle of it someday. Do I need to figure it out now? I want to figure it out now.

Isn't that so typical? I always want to know what the next thing is. I'm thinking ahead as soon as whatever I've been waiting for arrives. I want to live in the moment. I want to soak in the joy and the newness of each situation. I don't want to worry about the future. The fact of the matter is that I'm never going to know what's going on, really. Each new day can bring a host of unexpected events. I need to be okay with that. So, I'm working on it.

Those are my ramblings for today.

PS. I lost NaNoWriMo (not officially yet, but I will in two days or so). Sad day.

Sometimes I wonder if I should be a writer. I've received a lot of compliments on the article I wrote for the Indiana Association of Home Educators. My parents just read it and both really liked it. I wonder if they liked it because they have an emotional tie to me or whether it's because it's actually good writing. Several people from church mentioned that they liked it. So did the person who asked me to write it.

I enjoy writing. I love crafting an article or paper that has a point. I love developing the paragraphs and figuring out ways to tie together my main points into one cohesive argument. I love making something that has potential to be mundane and normal into something that is beautiful and artsy.

I also enjoy being able to share what's on my heart with people. I think that's one of the reasons I enjoy blogging so much. I feel so much lighter when I've shared what I'm thinking and feeling with the world.

Today I feel almost mournful. I have no idea why - not really, anyway. Perhaps it's because I only got about four hours of sleep last night. Perhaps because I'm finally beginning to get overwhelmed with all that is new in my life. It has all happened so quickly. I am thankful and I like it, but I think it's catching up with me, regardless. I had such a wonderful morning. I should get some rest, spend some extra time in prayer and in the Word and trust that God is leading and guiding me. How comforting it is to know that we are never beyond the reach of God's hands.

I am seriously overwhelmed by the goodness of God right now. Never in a million years would I have expected life to be going so well. Not even in my wildest day dreams... God blew all my expectations out of the water. It's my second Sunday in Florida. I've found a church & wholeheartedly agree with their vision. They're friendly people who are excited about God and life. I honestly have a group of friends that I can hang out with. I have hung out with them a lot in the past week. Today I got to feel like part of the group by helping with tear down (which brought back quite a few memories from my Salt & Light days) and then we all went out to lunch. It was awesome. I don't really know what else to say. So I'll just say it again: I am overwhelmed by the goodness of God.

So, I am now basically about on target with the word count for my novel, which I suppose is better than behind, but I haven't written more than 3,000 words since I've been in Florida! My arguments are that I've been busier than usual, I've been fighting off some type of sickness and I've actually been hanging out with people regularly which makes me feel a lot less driven to write. Which is okay - I'm happy to make the trade of motivation for a social life. However, I need to get some discipline. Seriously! I can't have gotten this far only to let my story shrivel and die. Never!

I went to see 2012 this evening. I was pretty skeptical about it. I really enjoyed it, though. It definitely kept me on the edge of my seat the entire movie - which is fairly rare.

I want to write more, but I'm tired enough that my brain is ceasing to function correctly. Goodnight, world.

I was reading this evening and came across something in my book that made me laugh:

"If you've ever stood with us Africans at airports or bus depots, you know we're never good with lines. What if we miss something?"

The author's father then proceeded to push his way to the front of the line. I smile and nod. It's very true.

I'm in Florida now. It's been a roller coaster. I'm thinking about so many things right now I don't even know where to begin. So, I don't think I will.

I'm still ahead in NaNoWriMo, but I'm slacking off. If I don't get with the program, I'm not going to hit 50k by the end of the month. Which would be more than a little ridiculous after being so far ahead the first week and a half.

I don't think I understand me most of the time. This is unfortunate. The end.