While procrastinating this evening I made a banner for my novel.

I hit 25k. Over half way to the word count goal. Maybe a quarter of the way into my story.

NaNoWriMo Word Count Meter from Write or Die

Okay, so I feel like I need to clarify my Christianity/church rant from yesterday. This by no means is any reflection on how I feel toward the two churches that I have been involved with over the past two years. Both Agape and BBMC are full of amazing, godly people who are concerned about serving Christ and being involved in the community. Both of my church families are being faithful to be the hands and feet of Christ in their own way. I have been shaped spiritually and encouraged so much by people from each congregation. I am not fed up with those congregations.

I was more referring toward the church in America as a whole, and the attitude of Christianity in America as a whole. So self-centered. So greedy. So hypocritical. We twist Scripture to serve our own agendas and life styles, never allowing ourselves to be changed by the Truth. I think a great majority of Christians, including myself, are touched by these attitudes. We are individualistic and so capitalistic - which ends up feeding our selfishness and fueling our reasons to put the downtrodden even further away.

What happened to us grieving with those who have lost a family member in Africa because of the drought? What happened to us praying regularly for those imprisoned in areas hostile to Christians (whether that be somewhere in Asia, Africa,the Middle East, or somewhere else entirely). What happened to caring for the orphan, the widow, the refugee? Even if we say we care about those people, what does our time, thought life and money show that we care about? In my life the answer is: entertainment, comfort, myself. Unfortunately, I know I'm not the only one. I'm ashamed for myself and for all my brothers and sisters in this country who have the same warped priorities.

Today has not been a good day for writing. I've had a killer headache since about two o'clock this afternoon. It's nine now and just starting to subside. It has made it very hard to think. I also am just not quite feeling it today. My plot seems stuck. I want to move things along, but I feel like the plot needs to keep being at a plateau in order for the characters to get developed enough to make the crisis emotional and meaningful enough. Ugh. I finally managed to write my minimum 1,667 words. I think I also managed to do a lot of character development in those words, as well as introduce some conflict, albeit not the major conflict. That will hopefully come within the next 10,000 words. That's my goal. I just hit 20,000! That makes me want to party. This is the farthest I've gotten in NaNoWriMo since I won back in 2003. I got stuck the last year I did it (2007) at around 15,000 words. Onward to victory!

My room is oddly empty. I don't like it. It makes me feel unsettled. Moving makes me feel unsettled. I really hate new starts. I really hate change. I'm looking forward to it, but it makes me feel anxious. It's weird how there are both sides to the situation.

I am torn. So torn these days. How do I juggle living in America and being responsible with what I have after my new knowledge of the world? How do I let it affect me? How do I keep from being selfish and greedy?

I've been having some good conversations with God at night before I fall asleep. I'm glad. I think in a lot of ways I am completely fed up with religion - including Christianity. It was good for me to realize this and to realize that I am not fed up with God. Jesus is still my Lord and Savior. I can still worship Him. Now, when I say I am fed up with Christianity I am not saying that I am becoming something other than a Christian. I simply mean I am fed up with the lifestyle and mindset of so many people who claim to be Christians. I am tired of getting caught up in it. I want something fresh and relevant and something that is making a difference.

I could tell you about some of the events of my day, but after divulging those thoughts, I think I shall refrain. Let's suffice it to say that it was a good day, but as usual, I have a lot of internal conflicts and questions.

NaNoWriMo Word Count Meter from Write or Die

Okay, so, yeah, this blog should be retitled for the month. I'm not sure what the new title would be, but it would include some of the following words/phrases: NaNoWriMo, insanity, I'm going to spend more time with my fictional main character than any living human being this month, 50,000 words... Despite all the insanity and how the novel has slightly taken over my life, I am finding that I absolutely am loving writing this book. I had forgotten how much I love writing fiction. This is still the most dynamic story I have told yet, and it's coming along the best by far.

You have to love unexpected romance. I was planning on having my main character just sort of have this thing with some guy before she headed off to Africa. But as I wrote their scenes together and developed their personalities and dialog, I realized that they were going to be much more than a little something. I like the dimension it's going to add to the story when tragedy strikes, and I think it will help tie things together in the end.

I could do this for a living. If only I was good enough... Hm...

This year my two writing soundtracks of choice are the Glee Cast songs from iTunes and The Original Cast Recording of Wicked. This morning I had "Can't Fight This Feeling Anymore" on repeat. It was perfect for the first romantic scene I was writing. It takes place in a state park (my inspiration for the scenery was John Bryan park in Ohio). Oh and don't worry, my romance scenes aren't trashy or anything - I keep those scenes PG. Just in case you were wondering.

REAL LIFE UPDATE:: I think we are actually going to move on Monday - hoorah! The only unfortunate thing about all of this is that I'm going to lose two days of writing time. I guess I could try to write in the hotel at night if I'm not too tired. Since I'm going to be doing half the driving, though, I probably can't stay up until all hours of the night crafting my story. We're filled up about three quarters of our trailer. We still have quite a bit of stuff to fit in, but I'm hoping we'll make it. I really need to pull the remainder of my stuff together. I really am tired of moving. I can't wait until I one day get my own apartment and can set up residence permanently.

I would much prefer to stay here at my trusty keyboard and keep writing, but alas, empty boxes and piles of possessions are calling my name.

NaNoWriMo Word Count Meter from Write or Die

It's been two years since I've been enrolled in a college. I think up until this week I had forgotten about what an expert I am at procrastinating. I'm working on my NaNoWriMo novel and I am getting more reading of blogs and news articles done than I have in the past few months. It's not that I don't want to write. I am really enjoying the process of writing and the goal that I am working toward, but I just have a process of getting things done and it most definitely includes procrastination. Even writing here is another form of procrastination. In my last entry I presented the possibility that I may not blog much this month. I'm beginning to wonder if it's going to end up being the exact opposite. Maybe I will hit a record number of blog entries as I am working on procrastinating while writing my novel. No matter. Procrastination is a art that needs to be perfected. I plan on having it perfected by the end of this month.

An interesting phenomenon is happening this year as I write my novel. My main characters are never strangers to tragedy and sorrow. It's easy for me to write about bad things happening to my characters. I usually find some morbid release in it. This year, though, I really like my character. She's becoming my friend and I really hate the fact that I need tragedy to strike her life to get her to another country. I'm even finding myself picking up some of her confident personality characteristics. I find myself brooding over her life and her thoughts and plotting where I'm going to take her next as I fall asleep. Weird. I've never had a hard time making bad things happen to my characters before, but I'm actually dreading writing the scene and the scenes that will follow as she struggles to claw her way out of the hole of despair that she is going to fall into. It's such an unusual feeling to care about characters that I have created. I usually get attached to characters that other people create, but my own? That's never happened before. I'm looking forward to seeing where all this takes me.

NaNoWriMo Word Count: 11,398