So much is going on, yet nothing at all, in some ways. I feel strangely unmotivated to write, which I sincerely hope changes come November. Nanowrimo doesn't work very well when one has writer's block...

I'll be moving down south next week. I'm looking forward to the warm weather and finding a routine - a job, a church, a social life. I'm also anxious about it all. I wish I could just fast forward a few months and jump into an already-established life. I hate these beginnings. I hate having to start from scratch and build up a network of friends and familiarity with things and schedules. It feels like I've ended up doing that a lot in my life already.

I made a comment to someone at church yesterday about how I wasn't looking forward to that aspect of moving because of how unsure of myself I am. She acted sincerely surprised and made a comment about everything I've done - college, Africa, etc. If only I could just mentally pull that all together, pile it up and let it bring me confidence. Somehow, I still find myself feeling like a sad, young & scared girl who is sure that she will be rejected.

Recently I have become extremely undisciplined. I think it's because I've lost motivation in my day to day living here - I have no job, no academics - nothing to keep me focused, nothing to challenge me, and nothing to keep me striving for more. So, where does that show up first? My spiritual life, of course.

I have been incredibly unfaithful recently in my walk with God. I pray, and I desire to do what's right, but I don't open my Bible - I don't even make an effort. Yet, for all my unfaithfulness, God has continued to show Himself faithful, and He hasn't walked away - although I don't think I'd blame Him if He had. As I struggle through each day, He continues to reveal more and more to me as I think about my life.

A few weeks ago I came to the realization that as an American, I have been taught to pursue happiness with everything in me. All of us have inalienable rights - life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, right? I've taken my liberty and pursuit of happiness to the extreme. I balk at anyone who tells me what to do - I'm a free person - I can make my own decisions. If something is making me unhappy, I strive to get away from it. I strive to find happiness.

I've learned over the years, the more I try to be happy, the more miserable I am. It's counterproductive to pursue happiness. As I was thinking about this, I realized this is another one of those instances where my identity as a follower of Christ needs to trump my identity as an American. My chief goals in life should not be to pursue my happiness and try to get ahead - my chief goal in life should be to pursue God with everything in me.

End of story for a few weeks. Nothing really changed - I mean, I realized this truth and thought about it, but it didn't really change anything.

This past week, I hit another bump in the road. In the middle of feeling extremely unhappy and freaking about about the H1N1 virus and other maladies, I just hit a wall where I panicked and realized I couldn't do this for the next 50-75 years. I would go crazy if I had to deal with life this same way for the rest of my life. It was a moment of complete desperation.

All of a sudden, I realized something. I need to not only be pursuing God (instead of my happiness), I also need to be pursuing things that will bring glory to God. See, the first (pursuing God) is true, but it's rather ambiguous - it's hard to get a clear action plan for that and it's hard to motivate me to change my actions throughout the day. Bringing glory to God, on the other hand, has very clear parameters. As I've realized this, I come to given situations and I look at them and ask myself, "How can I bring glory to God in this situation?" It also gives me motivation to do things I otherwise would avoid doing, because I know it's the right thing and it's bringing glory to God.

I've also realized, from experience and from logic, that the more I'm striving after bringing glory to God, the happier I will be. It's an amazing byproduct of the whole thing. As I'm bringing glory to God, I'm doing what I was created to do - I'm doing the right thing - and as I realize this and experience this, it brings me joy and happiness. Also, as I take the pressure off of pursuing happiness and as finding happiness is no longer my sole aim, it's easier to find happiness in the small things.

It also makes it easier to live in this world. Truth is, I'm sad and lonely and confused about the future. It's easy to be unhappy. If I'm living life to be happy, then I might as well end it all, because experience and observation shows that life is going to be tough and I'm not going to be happy a lot of the time. However, if I'm living life to bring glory to God, well, then it's a win/win situation. In every single situation I face, there is a way to bring glory to God. There is not always a way to be happy. As I bring glory to God in each and every one of the situations that are presented to me, then I will experience joy and learn to truly live this life.

I'm so torn... I really want to go back to college - I really want to get involved in the web design field. I really want to go back to Africa - I really want to make a difference in this world. Can the two go hand in hand? If I'm years and years into debt because of school fees, will I be able to go back to Africa anytime soon? Definitely not long term. Why would a web designer go to rural Africa? Wouldn't it make more sense if I was a teacher or something? But I don't want to teach here in the states, and it'd be nice to have a degree in something I would enjoy here in the states if Africa is short-term or never even happens. But I want to keep the door for going to Africa open... Ugh... so many decisions. I need wisdom, God!

I spent so much time in Africa wishing I was back in America - wishing I could connect more with my friends and family back home and wishing for the comforts and happiness of American life. Now that I'm here, I'm reminded that life sucks here, too. I'm no happier. I don't connect with my friends as often as I like. I do get to spend more time with my family, though, which is good. Oh, how I long to be content.

The fog has officially lifted - whew. A fog is really what it was like... I could feel it descending, at its worst I couldn't see a thing beyond my own misery and pain (selfish. selfish. selfish.) and now, little by little, it has lifted. The world is in focus again and I realized I managed to put on quite a bit of weight in my two week fog. Lovely.

I've been stressed again the past couple days. It's like I'm either down and out emotionally or I'm totally keyed up and fighting off this stress and I have no idea why it's plaguing me. I feel like I'm on the brink of figuring this out, though. I'm learning the patterns my moods go in. I'm learning what's effective (and what's not). I'm going to beat this. I will. Oh, and I'm sure having mini-marathons of 24 helps my stress level a ton - it's such a nice, peaceful show (note sarcasm). ;-) Oh, but I do love Jack Bauer. hehe.

Anyways, don't worry about me. I'm really honestly doing pretty good at the moment (besides being really pissed off at myself for gaining this weight). Putting all my feelings into dramatic and poetic (maybe? or perhaps I should say semi-poetic? or is that giving myself too much credit?) form makes me feel better. So on one hand, it is a very real struggle for me, and on the other, this may make it seem worse than it was. So always take that into consideration as you read these entries.

I'm sitting here reading through various blogs that I subscribe to and working on a logo for a new website I'm working on. My mom has Headline News on in the background. They're currently talking about Edward's affair.

First, off, what a creep! I mean, seriously, he was cheating on his wife who was battling cancer and promising his mistress that he'd marry her after his wife died. Creep. What in the world is the mistress thinking? Doesn't she realize that a guy who is willing to cheat on his wife to be with her won't probably think twice about cheating on her if they get married? Stupidity on both sides.

Anyway, this celebrity focus section of HLN came on and it was saying things like "TV has nothing on real life! This affair is so much more juicy than anything Hollywood can come up with!" They then go on to tell all the gory details. They then compare Edwards' affair to current TV dramas. As they go into all the details of reality and fiction (both having to do with affairs), I just got this terrible feeling that they were glorifying affairs.

It wasn't presented in a negative light (to HLN's credit, now that the normal broadcast is back on, I'm hearing more negative about Edwards) - it almost seemed like they were applauding Edwards' lack of morals (and even beyond morals is simply any compassion he might have had on his wife battling cancer). Disgusting.

I don't want to legislate morality, because I think that's going about things the wrong way. I do want to see change, though. I don't want to live in a society that glorifies affairs, divorce, abortion, etc. I don't want it to be normal and I don't want it to be approved. Yet, I want to find creative ways to make a difference - to change the status quo.

I will not sit back and become resigned to the way our society is. I will not sit back while we let thousands die of hunger each day. I will not sit back while politicians and celebrities are teaching children that it's okay to cheat on your spouse and have sex with whoever you feel like. I will not sit back while we become more and more individualistic and focused on ourselves.

It's just a matter of figuring out how to go about doing something. I don't want to do things the way that evangelicals have been doing things the past several years - because it's not working and I don't think it's a good Biblical model of how things should be done. Jesus changed the world from the bottom up (not the top down) - He didn't go to Caesar and convert him and declare that the whole nation needs to change. He went to the fishermen and the tax collectors and showed them a better way. He changed their hearts - and sent them out to spread the good news of the New Kingdom.

Send me out, Jesus. Send me out to the people in my community - or to the ends of the world. Give me the words to say to tell them of the good news of this upside Kingdom. Give me compassion and love and the wisdom to stand up for what is right without condemnation. Keep me humble, Lord, and as you change me into your likeness, please use me to change this world - from the bottom up.