I am so selfish... How can I be worried about myself?

Turkana Drought

So the exact quote from Vampire Diaries that I mentioned a few entries ago is as follows:

"I'm scared that if I let myself be happy for even one moment that... the world is just going to come crashing down and I don't know if I can survive that."

Another quote from the pilot (which I watched this afternoon) that also really resounded with me:

"Dear diary, I couldn't have been more wrong. I thought that I could smile and nod my way through it, pretend like it would all be okay.

I had a plan. I wanted to change who I was. Create a life with someone new - someone without the past.

Without the pain.

Someone alive.

But it's not that easy. The bad things stay with you.

They follow you.

You can't escape them, as much as you want to.

All you can do is be ready for the good, so when it comes, you invite it in, because you need it. I need it."

I can relate to that character in some ways so much... Her parents died four months earlier, mine didn't (obviously), but I feel like I have the same cloud of sadness hanging over me that she does. I can just feel her pain - I know exactly what it's like to try to pretend everything is okay, but it's not.

You smile and laugh and try to be normal. You know you're not normal - you know that your heart feels like it's bleeding on the inside. Most people don't catch onto what's wrong, but you can't entirely fool them. They know that something about you is different - weird. So they don't treat you like they do other people. They don't take the time to get to know you. So the cycle is perpetuated. More hurt, more sorrow, more pretending.

Why do the bad things stay with me? Why can't I escape them? I've tried... So many times, I've tried. They are always there - just one step behind me. As soon as I am tired of running - of striving to be free - they pounce on me. They bring me down again. I am helpless to do anything but let them have their way with me - they beat me and bruise me until I don't know if I can go on. When they finally leave me, it takes days before I can move again. Then, slowly, somehow, I manage to stand - and I start to run again. And there they are - chasing me. My familiar demons.

Sabotage

Sometimes they're just funny, heartwarming or occasionally a little sad. In addition to that, they really make me think about life. This was one of those. You should go read it (click above).

I feel like I do the exact same thing in my life. It's not something I have noticed much in the past, but it's been something I've been thinking about a lot this past week. How odd that someone would blog about it.

I'd never thought about the reason why I'm sabotaging myself. The following paragraph from Jacob really describes my situation:

"See, I need to feel like I am living my life, instead of my life controlling me. I need to feel like my choices actually do something, that they have the power to affect and improve my life experience. When I begin to feel like I am no longer running things, I do the only thing that emphatically proves that my choices have repercussions: I sabotage. Myself."

I don't think I've ever thought of my unhappiness and my self destructive attitudes and actions as a reaction to feeling out of control (or at least I have never acknowledged a direction connection), but it really is. In high school I hated the fact that I was unable to control where I would be living next month let alone the ability to see and socialize with people my own age. Now I feel out of control to support myself (without a job) and powerless to get a job for the next month and a half (it just jumped up from two weeks to a month and a half). I feel out of control to make relationships. I feel out of control in relating to God on a consistently meaningful level. I feel out of control of my emotions. Consequently, I sabotage myself. At least I can control that, right?

This past week and a half I have found myself eating bad food and drinking non-diet soda like crazy. I know I'm gaining weight. It makes me depressed, yet I continue to eat like crazy. In some odd way, I feel like I'm punishing myself. At least I can be in control of my eating. It has to stop. It's not healthy - physically or psychologically.

I'm not exactly sure where to take this. Is my unhappiness and depression self-inflicted sabotage? Is it something that subconsciously I'm doing to myself? I was doing the over-eating thing several days before I realized consciously what I was doing. Am I making myself miserable and withdrawing from people because I feel like that's what I deserve?

I am so sick and tired of feeling unhappy. I am tired of feeling worthless and disliked. I'm told by people that it's a choice and that people don't view me the way I view myself. If that's true, then why can't I just choose to be happy? If that's true, then why do I get the vibes from people - especially people I went to college with - that they don't like me and don't want to give me the time of day?

Is it really a choice? I get so mad at people when they tell me that. I'm like, seriously, do you think I enjoy living life like this? Do you think I'm intentionally choosing this? But what if they are right? What if I am choosing to live a miserable, self-destructive life? What if I get to the end of my life and see that I wasted it being miserable and assuming the worst of myself and other people?

How does one make a choice? How does one completely switch their view on the world, relationships and the very essence of who they are? The question that haunts me the most - that holds me back - is: What if I give it a wholehearted attempt, only to see that nothing changes and that there's just something inherently wrong with me? Somehow, it feels better to not try and to never know... Yet that brings me back to the question of when I'm old and gray, what will it be like to look back and realize I could have made a choice and had a better life?

I'm either becoming an insomniac or my days and nights are slowly but surely getting switched. I fall into bed anytime after midnight only to find that the second my head hits the pillow, I'm no longer tired. I lay there for a few minutes - sometimes longer than others - before I decide that laying there wide awake is pointless. One night I found an online college that offers two different web design degrees. Another night I read a large chunk of a book I've been reading. One night I watched a disc of season five of the Office. I need to remedy this situation, because it's not a healthy habit to be getting into. I'm getting up early tomorrow to go to the farmer's market, so maybe that will help break the cycle.

My room is in the same state of disarray that it has been for a week. Each night as I'm attempting to fall asleep I give myself a pep talk about all that I will get accomplished the following day. My rating on Asobrain.com for the Xplorers (Settlers of Catan) game has finally gotten out of the negative. Other than that I haven't done a whole bunch. I need to finish sorting all this stuff in my room. I need to take pictures of this box of stuff I want to list on Ebay. I did set up at Etsy.com shop the other day. Now I just need to take pictures and list some of my handmade items. It's so hard for me to be motivated right now.

The date for moving to Florida has gotten pushed back by a month. I'm kind of okay with it - I'm also disappointed. I am glad to get to visit some family friends that I haven't seen in awhile and to get to spend fall break with Aaron, but I'm also ready for a routine and to get settled and I really need money soon. It is what it is, though. Now the moving date is the end of October.

I'm reading a book that a friend suggested - Lies that Young Women Believe. It was suggested earlier this summer and recently I think I've realized that it's something that I really do need to read. As I mentioned in an earlier blog, the lies are hitting me from every direction. There are a lot of lies I believe about myself. I wish the book had focused more on that. How do I believe the truth and get rid of these feelings and thoughts that I have about myself? Ugh, I feel so worthless most days. Even if I can rationally write out a list of positive things about myself, I feel the bad things about myself. I feel the hopeless things. I can only think the positive things. I need to let the Truth control my emotions.

Life is so incredibly difficult and painful and scary. Sometimes I wonder how I'll make it all the way through it. How does anyone?

People always say that crying is okay and to let myself cry, but why does it feel so terrible?

I was watching a tv show last night - Vampire Diaries - and the main character said something along the lines of: I don't want to allow myself to be happy for even one moment, because it will all crash in on me and I don't know how I'd survive. (Or something similar to that). It almost made me cry. That's exactly how I feel. I'm so afraid to hope. I'm so afraid to allow myself to be happy and enjoy life, because inevitably, that happiness is going to fade and hard times will return. I can't stand the crashing. It's easier sometimes to live in the pit of despair than to try to climb out only to find myself sitting on my butt at the bottom of the pit again a few weeks later. I know I can't stay there. I know it - in my head. But how do I get that to my heart and muster up the courage to grab onto hope and pursue hope in my life?

This was a fairly weird progression of thoughts. I was going to keep things lighter tonight. *sigh* oh well.

I was just thinking about life. Life is a very fragile thing. I could be diagnosed with cancer and die next year. I could contract the H1N1 virus/disease and die next month. I could get hit by a car and die tomorrow.

I could live the rest of my life alone and never find the right man. I could marry someone that I don't get along with and fight for the rest of my life. I could marry a wonderful guy but have children who walk away from God.

I could go to college and not be able to find a job. I could pick the wrong college and find out the program wasn't right. I could get too far in debt from student loans.

There are good things that can happen, too, but it's the bad ones that keep me up at night. As I was contemplating this, a thought came to mind that brought me some peace. No matter what happens, no matter how long or short my life, I will always have God. I will have Him today, tomorrow and for the rest of my life. I will have Him beyond my life - into all eternity, thanks to the sacrifice of Jesus, my Savior. God is never going to walk away from me - He is never going to give up on me. He is always going to be there for me. While that doesn't take all the fear away from the future, it definitely provides a peace of mind knowing that I can always take refuge in the Rock.