Lies are raining down on me today. They're all I can hear - all I can see. I feel like I'm shouting words that I know to be the truth, but they're being captured by the wind and blown away before they meet any human ear - even my own.

Another moment.

Another breath.

Another day passed.

I find relief in this simple fact. Time moves on, despite the circumstances in my life. Life will continue. To everything there is a season. One day my season will change. Until then...

Another moment.

Another breath.

Another day passed.

I was thinking about Kenya this morning (which I often do) and it just hit me. It feel like Kenya isn't even real. People said this would happen, but it's the first time it hit me. I was thinking of Solo and the way that he would laugh and talk to us and all the sweet little things he did for us. And all of a sudden it felt like maybe, just maybe, he wasn't real. What in the world? Of course he was real. I spent five and a half months in Kenya. Yet somehow, it's starting to feel like some make-believe world that I lived in for awhile, but now the book has ended and it's time to leave it all behind. It's not some novel - Twilight, Lord of the Rings or Harry Potter. They are real people, with real joys, real sorrows, in a real place. They are real friends.

With every passing day I want to go back more badly. Every passing day I think a little more that God is calling me back. Crazy. Exciting. I hope it works out somehow. Which, if God is in control, I know it will.

My heart aches tonight. I hate making decisions that wound other people. I hate my own selfishness and I hate my emotions. I'm left with feeling terrible and feeling helpless to do anything to make the situation better for anyone. Father, save me.

You know I ran across an old box of letters
While I was bagging up some clothes for Goodwill
But you Know I had to laugh that the same old
    struggles
That plagued me then are plaguing me still
I know the road is long from the ground to glory
But a boy can hope he's getting some place
But you see, I'm running from the very clothes I'm wearing
And dressed like this I'm fit for the chase

'Cause no, there is none righteous
Not one who understands
There is none who seek God
No not one, I said no not one

So I am thankful that I'm incapable
Of doing any good on my own

- Thankful by Caedmon's Call

I found these lyrics appropriate on several levels today. I spent hours at my storage unit sorting through all of my earthly possessions. I'm about halfway done. I have a big pile of things that I'm boxing up to take to Goodwill later this week. I also found a box of old letters (goodness, I saved almost every letter I've ever received). It's quite the process and brings back so many memories as I read through them and decide which ones I want to put back into that box and which ones should be let go of. Today my favorite find on the letter front was many large, manila envelopes decorated by my best friend, Jody. She used to send me a magazines (that we authored ourselves) and extremely long letters in those envelopes during our high school days. It made me smile. They went back into the box of "keepers".

I also can relate so much to the line "But you Know I had to laugh that the same old struggles that plagued me then are plaguing me still." Man. I have long found these lines applicable to my life - eerily true. I am struck again by the truthfulness of them tonight. Last night I had a conversation with a good friend and I was told that I have to let go. I have to let go of my fear, of my pain, of my hurt, of my shame, of my bitterness. It took me back to REACH DTS where I let go of many past hurts. It took me back to the process of accepting the forgiveness that Christ is (or would it be has?) extending to me (a more accurate and Biblical way of saying "forgiving myself"). It took me back to that night in Lodwar where I was wounded and betrayed in a way that I had never experienced before. It took me back to long conversations with Allyah about letting go of the bitterness. It took me back to that last night in Mombasa where my team shared strengths and weaknesses before flying home. It took me back to the anger and frustration as one by one my teammates all said a similar thing: "You need to let go of your bitterness." "You need to forgive." It took me back to Zach saying that I need to give people the grace to suck and mess up. It's all true. Every last bit of it.

I still struggle to forgive. I still struggle to allow people the grace to "suck" and hurt me and fall short of perfection. I still struggle to accept Christ's forgiveness. I carry it all around like a burden. No wonder I'm so tired all the time. I give it to Christ sometimes. It's wonderful for a few days - I remember those few weeks during DTS after I gave it all to Christ. I have never, ever felt like that before in my life. I was FREE. Blessedly free. A few weeks later, it all came crashing back. The pain, the shame, the struggles, the self-condemnation. I was angry. What happened? I sure didn't go looking for it - I was ecstatic to be free of the burden. Why did God let it come back into my life? I think I still struggle with that question. Maybe that's why I'm so hesitant to try to give it to God and let it all go again. I did that once wholeheartedly and it came back. Isn't it easier to just keep living under this burden than to have it taken away only to fall back on my shoulders a few weeks later? I want to be free. I want to trust Christ. My experiences hold me back. What to do? Unfortunately I don't have any answers tonight. I guess I'll keep praying about it and keep struggling until this gets resolved. Prayers would be appreciated. Also, any suggestions or comments you have about this struggle and the question (Why did God let all the freedom I felt in Christ leave my life after only a few weeks) would be welcome.